Judgement

***This is a long one, but I admit, they probably all will be, and in all honesty, it could have been A LOT longer ;)

Today let’s talk about judgement, and the consequences of being judgmental. All of us do it. Even in the experiences I will share here, I am making a judgement about how I was treated because NO ONE can know really what another is thinking. However, I will say that we all take are personal life experiences or perhaps are influenced by others and we allow that to color a judgement of another and that judgement has an effect, and on and on. This is a ripple in the water that never ends as we interact with one another.

I have been the brunt of many a judgement. So many have impacted my own personal world view. Let’s start with one of the most significant and one of the most impactful. My family moved from Connecticut to Illinois when I was 11. The first town we were in, we were there for such a small amount of time, that it felt like a glancing blow rather than the full-on knockout that moving to Macomb, Illinois was to me as I entered 6^th grade. First off, I was the newbie to a bunch of kids that had been together since they were in diapers (or so it seemed), and second I was a professor’s daughter, so naturally I had to be a smarty pants know it all or something. Before I moved to Illinois, I had no idea what a clique was. Seriously, no clue. I have always tried and wanted to be an all-inclusive type of person. I never imagined that people would only spend time with a singular group of people just because the other was different? I still have no idea why cliques exist. To me, everyone, well almost everyone, has something about them that you can like or relate to. There are a small portion of our society that has oozed up and populated the society since certain political choices were made over the last year or so (well, it’s been growing for a lot longer than that, but has been more “news worthy” as of late), that I will admit I can find no redeemable qualities in the people that choose to align themselves with these groups of hate. However, that is a small proportion of our society, and quite frankly, I don’t recall anyone in my school being that drastic. I just didn’t understand why or how other fellow students would want to hurt one another. One of the first people, I wanted to call friend, was a sweet girl. She didn’t develop as quickly as some of us other girls. She was also quiet and kept to herself, but I remember getting so angry as other students teased her about being “flat as a board.” She was nice, and smart, and so I didn’t understand what on earth any of her physical attributes had to do with how she was to be treated. She and I would remain friends throughout high school and such, and she was always one of the nicest people I have ever known. I have never been one who discounted someone on their physical appearance. Believe you me, some of those kids in high school that everyone thought was so gorgeous, to this day, I still think they are some of the ugliest people I have ever known. Know why? Because of the way they treated others. Yes, that is my judgmental side rearing its head. No matter what you look like on the outside, how you treat others shines through your outer skin, and either makes you beautiful or shows the world the ugly little person you really are. You see, looks can be altered, but behavior is the real tell of any person.

Now by the time I was in high school, I had a good little niche of friends. They weren’t the most popular, but I believed they were the most genuine. However, high school was not a place I wanted to be. The place felt like a prison to me, so I worked my ass off to be able to graduate early. I wanted to graduate a whole year early, but the school nixed that a could of years before I could graduate. However, they did allow for early graduation, in which you only had to attend for half a year of your senior year. I had to get out of there. I felt like I was drowning, and so I graduated early and went on to the local university. All of a sudden, most of those “friends” didn’t much want to talk to me. They said I had abandoned them. Seriously! What the fuck? I hadn’t abandoned them. I was still there. I would have done anything, dropped everything, for them if they had asked. But there are some things in life, we must do for ourselves and our own personal growth and health. I thought, as my friends, they would understand that. First time I learned a very harsh “friendship” lesson. Let me tell you, after this making friends was not going to be easy. I knew I would have serious trust issues after this, but I tried very hard to move on.

I would also have to deal with growing up Mormon which caused some lovely situations for me, but that is a whole other bucket of worms that we can get into latter.

The third-time others judgement really affected me was when I finally left Illinois behind and decided to come to Utah for college. Now, due to some seriously stupid decisions in the men department all in a search for something that I was never going to find outside of myself, but that’s another story so, I was going to school with the idea that I would like to date, because I enjoy the company of men, usually because I found them to be better at the friendship gig than girls, but also because I wanted to just date and not fall into a relationship right away. However, I was 21 years old and attending BYU. The boys I went to class with and attended church with just assumed because I was “so old” of course I was there for a husband and they weren’t too keen on the husband gig yet, so no one would date me. It would also be the first time in my life, but most definitely not the last, that I would be introduced to the line, “you intimidate me.” Apparently being strong, smart, and projecting confidence means I intimidate people. Who knew? This sense of being on the outside that this whole situation put me through was difficult. I made one friend. One really great friend. She and I did everything together, I mean when she wasn’t off with her boyfriend. Funny thing there, because her boyfriend who I could not stand, yeah, I married that dude (and we have been married for 16 years now). 😉 I did have a few other friends that I spent a lot of time with as well. It was nice to have friends again. However, this wouldn’t last. Because, as soon as I was married, not a single one would talk to me anymore. Now I know some may say, well you did marry your friends ex. However, I’d like to point out, that she broke up with him, and by the time they had I would consider him a friend as well. I don’t just stop being a friend because two friends break up, that’s just not me, especially when the break up was really beneficial to both parties and it’s obvious to everyone that that is the case. Anyway, when I started to have not so much friend’s feelings towards the man, I was heartbroken and determined to NEVER act on said feelings. I talked it all over with my friend, and she actually encouraged me to go for it. She said that it was fine with her, because she was in love with someone else and wanted to focus on that. You want to know how long that lasted? Right up to the moment he asked me to marry him. Then she wanted me to dump him. By then, I loved the man obviously, and I wanted to spend forever with him. I looked at it like this, if the roles were reversed, what would I have done? Full honesty, I would have supported and been happy for my friend rather than sabotage someone else’s relationship just because I was feeling petty. Needless to say, none of my so-called “friends” would talk to me after I was married. Thus, ended my ability to make friends. I am the type of person that gives EVERYTHING to people I care about. You are my friend, I will move heaven and earth for you, and silly me, I have always expected that my friends give me back at least half that. I have yet to find one that does or will. And now, I find being myself doesn’t get me very far, and I refuse to be anyone else.

         Now, when I got married I was happy, but then I again found nothing but judgement around me. My husband and I got pregnant with our first child right away. Now this was not the plan, but it happened and we had to deal with the consequences of that. I got really sick while I was pregnant and wasn’t able to work at the job I had been working at before. I tried to get jobs that wouldn’t require so much heavy lifting and dangerous work, but I was not successful. Then I had Hyrum, and still everyone expected me to work. After all, Joe was working two part-time jobs and going to school to keep that roof over our heads, and I should have done more to help. But to me, I was doing what was best for our family and my husband was in full support. However, certain family members made me feel lower than low, because how on earth could I be so selfish? This concept of putting me down because I chose to stay home with my kids when they were little would be a constant thing throughout my life. I am not an uneducated woman. I am also extremely capable and could do any job I put my mind to. When we first started out, I was consumed by this need to be the perfect mommy, and part of that was influenced heavily by the faith we followed at the time, and good mommy’s didn’t work outside of the home. However, as we had more kids, the idea that I was selfish persisted, rather than understanding that no matter what job I took, I no longer could afford to work. Day care is disgustingly expensive! So now I was stuck at home. I didn’t have any friends and I was always stuck at home with little ones and no support. Family gatherings I was largely ignored, I mean after all what could a woman up to her ears in diapers with no outside job have to contribute to an educated discussion. I was shunted to the outside, to the point that I hate family get togethers. I go for my husband and my children, because I want them to have  relationship with their family, but me personally. I have always felt like I didn’t belong there and I might as well not be there. I live in silence at home. My kids have never been great conversationalist (and while now that most of them are older that has changed a lot, they are at school most of the time), so when I would finally get out of the house thinking “yeah, an adult is going to talk to me!!!” And you get there, and everyone ignores you. Yeah, you learn to shut down very fast!

This concept of being intimidating would follow and frustrate me through life. However, those these above situations are broad reaching and there are many more factors that have effected my life as a whole, and it has taken me a long time, I actually like myself. I have no interest in lies and pretty deceit. I want real. I want people to be real around me, and I want to be able to be real around them. However, I have learned to draw within myself, because I have never found anyone that I can be completely real around, except my kids. They love their mom no matter how crazy I am. We no longer belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we no longer live near family, and I no longer have friends, not real substance friends that talk to me all the time. I have lots of Facebook friends, and while I appreciate them, I would love to find that friend that actually likes talking to me all the time, and will let me talk to them about everything and anything. My kids let me, now that they are older, but some things are still not children friendly topics.

What I really wanted to get across with all this, is that judging others to the point of ignoring them, has consequences. Sometimes you don’t see those consequences or simply are not aware of them, but they are there. They can seriously damage another person’s ability to interact with their fellow human beings. I stay home now that we have had another little one, and isolation can do lovely things to one’s brain. I encourage everyone to remember the person on the outside. The one that looks so strong and put together, and remember that what we see isn’t all there is to a person. That person could be your bestest and truest friend in the world, and they may just need you more than you can possibly know. Don’t limit yourself to the friends you already have been blessed with to the exclusion of someone who may truly need you. Remember always that we are all together on this crazy roller coaster we call life, and what we really need to be is each other’s safety net. Don’t assume or presume. Don’t think that the woman who appears “intimidating” and doesn’t talk much, doesn’t actually want to talk. Remember she could have just had dreadful friend experiences and has learned to stand tall regardless and to be quiet so as not to “offend.” Doesn’t make him or her “cold,” “intimidating,” or “unfriendly.” The quietest person in a crowd could be the one that is screaming the loudest on the inside for someone to really see them.